Do men and women speak the same language?

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Do men and women understand the same things from the spoken word? Judging by the misinterpretation, misunderstanding and general mystification that can arise from a single simple sentence, there are grave reasons for doubt. In fact, I would put it even stronger. Do we even speak the same language?

First − and contrary to the general impression − men use language more. “Like everyone else, I used to believe that women were the talkative sex,” says Dale Spender, a sociolinguist. “But when I analyzed the results of over one hundred and forty recorded conversations between men and women, the result was quite the opposite. Whether we’re talking about social gatherings or business meetings, one element never changes: in any conversation with a man, a woman who talks more than a third of the time is seen as talking too much”.

Nowhere is this more obvious than on radio or TV talk shows. One host, Robert Robinson, once said, “It’s difficult to find the right kind of woman to participate in my programme. Most of them can’t stand up to me and so stay silent. They also find interrupting a bit tricky.” On one occasion, a well- known female thinker became so cross and unhappy at being what she regarded as “shouted down” that she remained silent for the last fifteen minutes of the programme. Even those women who are perfectly capable of holding their own are notably less talkative than their male counterparts.

Another female characteristic is the belief that conversation should be a reciprocal exchange rather than an attempt to dominate the other person. According to sociologist Jennifer Coates, “When a woman in a group raises a topic, the others will encourage, sympathize or elaborate. The next female speaker may enlarge on some point, add a personal anecdote, or simply make “go on” interjections. But one thing she won’t do is flatly contradict the previous speaker and abruptly change the subject. But men in a group with women often get bored with what they see as the slow build up of a topic.” The tried and tested method of avoiding this hazard is by doing what most women hats: interrupting.

“The effect constant interruption has on women is that they become silent,” says Dr Coates. It isn’t solely that men regard conversation as a contest; there is also a clash of styles. “We all think we know what a question is. But with men and women it triggers different reactions. Men think questions are requests for information, whereas women think they are part of the way in which a co-operative conversation works. If a woman asks a man a question, she’s trying to keep the conversation going, while the man thinks this is a request for information, so he gives her a lecture.” In social situations, this different view of the polite enquiry can often cause bad feelings. The woman thinks, “What is he on about? I didn’t want a run-down on company accountancy,” and the man thinks, “Why is she looking so cross? If she didn’t want to know, why did she ask?”

Although women have much greater sensitivity to what the other person is feeling, it is equally true that, in situations where power is concerned, the male cut-and-thrust style is the norm. “Male language allows them to have clear goals, stick to decisions, answer directly without fudging and assert themselves,” says Natasha Josefowitz, author of Paths to Power. “Women say ‘I think I can’, where men say, “I can”. And though the woman may be right − who knows if she can carry out a particular task until she is doing it? − what employers go for is confidence.” In female conversation, this general tentativeness emerges in the use of “soft” phrases such as “I wonder if I might...?”, and instead of the simpler expressions “Please may I...?” or “Can I come in?”

Dr Coates believes female politeness involves other factors as well. “Partly it is recognition that other people may not be imposed on. If I go next door, I say, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but could you possibly lend me a pint of milk, please?’ not “Can I have some milk?”, which allows my neighbour the freedom to say “Yes, of course” or “I’m sorry, I haven’t got one.” What it is doing is giving the other person a chance to get out of an obligation without losing face. Partly, too, it is a question of giving what Dr Coates calls “positive face”, which means reassuring others about their own value.

The reason for such discrepancies is something that frequently makes male English a rather different language from the female version of English: most men use language to conceal their feelings whereas women see it as means of revealing their emotions.

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